The most humorous newspaper column in the known world.
Hogspore Community News
Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
Overdue library book is no laughing matter
I’ve been owing a library fine for about six months. It’s bothering me cause I ain’t paid it and now
it’s getting to be so long a time that I’m embarrassed to go pay it.
The fine ain’t but three dollars and 35 cents, so it ain’t gonna affect my lifestyle to pay it. I’ve been
thinking about this more, ever since I seen Head Librarian, Shhhhhhhhhhhhhirley, in the Hogspore
Sundries and Notions last Friday.
Miss Shhhhhhhhhhhhhirley seen me in the store and just gave me the longest meanest stare like I’d
just killed her mother or insulted the Dewey Decimal System. Then she pointed me out to a friend of hers
and then her friend give me the stink eye.
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhirley come over to me. “Good afternoon, Mr. Litter. I’m surprised to see you
shopping. I know you must be going through a rough patch cause you haven’t returned your overdue
library book yet.”
Sometimes, when I’m under pressure, I’ll try to make a lame joke so I sez, “What are you gonna do,
have me arrested and throw the book at me?” I shoulda known that a sense of humor weren’t never on
Now, I’m feeling like I just might be able to get into Heaven if the Lord took me early, cause I brought
the book back and paid the library fine the next day. It would’ve been right ironic if that book had been
on how to cure procrastination … but it wasn’t, so it’s not ironic or even funny and I probably shouldn’t
have mentioned it.
Jimmy Suspenders went to trial for stealing an asthma inhaler out of his neighbor’s house. He was
having an asthma attack and Leonard’s Drug Store weren’t open.
I sat in on the trial. Judge Hawthorne was presiding and listening to Jimmy’s reason for stealing the
inhaler. Then he retired to his chamber to make his decision.
Judge Hawthorne come back ten minutes later. He proceeded to give a few snorts on his own
personal asthma puffer and then made a comment about all the pollen in the air during this last warm
spell we was having this winter. “Mr. Suspenders, I find that during your recent emergency circumstances,
you were justified in borrowing your neighbor’s medicine. I find you not guilty. You are free to go.
I decided to go wheezy on you.”
Most of the courtroom crowd thought it was a fair decision and felt like crime was still under control
in Hogspore. We can all breathe easier now.
Old Man Grimely says, “I’m feeling right liberated. I’m old enough now that I don’t have to worry
about washing my fruit or produce from the supermarket.”
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