The most humorous newspaper column in the known world.
Hogspore Community News
Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
Pie Week festivities have begun
Old Man Grimely was complaining about his health. “I’ve got so many ailments and aches and pains
that they sometimes have to take turns bothering me. 80 is now the new 90.”
Pie Week started last Friday. Sheriff Riley Combover kicked off the festivities with the pie throwing
dunking booth. By the end of the night, he was cold and wet. What hair he has left was full of Cherry pie.
There was a few dead aim full impact pies to his face. Sheriff Riley took note of those participants and
they’re probably gonna get some speeding tickets down along No Witnesses Road.
The Pie Parade this Wednesday starts at the courthouse, winds through the city and ends up in front
of the Big Boy Restaurant. The restaurant is giving away free slabs of strawberry pie all night after the
parade. You probably didn’t notice but I stopped for a few minutes whilst I got some tears of joy from
thinking about that free Big Boy Strawberry pie.
The Meals on Trays program director has made some changes to their meal delivery service.
They’ve added another item to the lunch trays. Starting next week, they’ll be adding a dollop of
Where-In-The-Heck-Is-My-Real-Butter in place of the original butter. The director said, “We think that
the Where-In-The-Heck-Is-My-Real-Butter is a better dietary choice than the more fat-laden butter.
It also helps the shut-ins eat slower and feel like their getting more cause it don’t taste as good as
I never knew bout the harmful long-term effects of butter on 80- year-olds. We sure are lucky to
have somebody in charge of knowing what’s best for us to eat. Everything else remains the same and
Ginger Snap, the mule, will still be delivering the trays. If you’re new to the program, Ginger Snap needs
a couple of days to remember your address.
Smartins Grocery has done a horrible thing. They have situated the self-service blood pressure
machine right next to the bacon display.
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