The most humorous newspaper column in the known world.
Hogspore Community News
Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
Free doughnuts for diabetes patients
Larry’s Assisted Living Facility and Funeral Home has announced more benefits for its residents this
year. Anyone who pays the one-time fee of $150,000 for lifetime occupancy is now eligible for free double
caffeine coffee. If the residents have a diagnosis of heart arrhythmia, Larry will also pay them a dollar for
every cup of coffee that they drink each day.
More good news: If you have Diabetes, there’s free doughnuts all day long. Of course, when the guest
finally passes on, years from now, the $150,000 lifetime occupancy fee reverts to Larry.
Mumford Pickens told me that the EPA is trying to ban wood fires in parts of Alaska. The EPA said, “We
believe that smoke is harmful to the health of the Alaskan citizens. Another benefit of no wood fires is
that there’s gonna be a lot fewer igloos burning down. The regulations will go into effect once we figure
out how to use solar panels during the dark winter days.”
How many of you got a friend that you like cept for that one thing he says two or three times a day? “It
is what it is.” That friend is eligible for the title of Vice President in Charge of Duh.
Next time he says it, you gotta respond with, “Well now, I disagree. I think that it ain’t what it ain’t.”
Maybe that will make him realize that he sounds like an idiot. Most likely, though, he’ll just think that
you’re the idiot. You’ll both be right.
I seen a nature show on what plants talk about. The write-up said, “A study of how plants behave
shows that they are as busy, responsive, and complex as humans.” This morning I walked out to the
garden and seen a fern making a to-do list.
I heard tell that the K-Mart out on Highway 71 is closing. They didn’t say why they was closing but
it‘s probably got something to do with their last customer dying four days ago.
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