The most humorous newspaper column in the known world.
Hogspore Community News
Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
Spelling bee word missed by a 'hare'
Hogspore Elementary School held auditions for the Spelling Bee that’s coming up on Friday the 13th.
This year, the Spelling Bee Committee allowed the students to use spell checkers. This is the same
thinking that allowed the use of calculators in math tests and Google search engines on history tests.
The auditions took a while to winnow down to the ten finalists. The school admitted that they
shouldn’t have gone on for three hours with long difficult words cause the spell checkers were all giving
the correct answers.
Finally, the principal suggested using small simple words and within 30 minutes, the auditions were
finished. The final contestant to spell-out of the competition was fifth grader, Bernadetta Hunsacker.
Principal Imogene Scoggins ordered Bernadetta, “Please spell the word ‘Hare,’ as in rabbit.”
She knew the spelling was H. A. R. E. but her spell-checker corrected it to the more commonly
used word, “Hair.”
Principal Scoggins said, “I‘m sorry Bernadetta, that is incorrect. You came so close. You only missed
it by a hare.”
Me and Punkin took in New Year’s Eve down at the courthouse. We watched the Mayor push the
giant pumpkin off the courthouse roof at midnight. Most of the townsfolk was gathered around
celerbrating and kissing each other full on the mouth when the super squash hit the parking lot. The only
feller not kissing everybody was Dr. Brace Gumm, the town dentist. He might know something that he
ain’t telling us.
It was somewhat puzzling to see the courthouse open for business at that time of night and citizens
coming out from time to time. Then, I seen Sheriff Combover herd a group of unhappy-looking townfolk
into the courthouse. Turns out, the Sheriff was using the Pumpkin Drop celebration as a sting operation
for unpaid parking tickets.
Mumford Pickens says, “2016 was the year that cats and kittens finally took over Facebook.”
This column donates its proceeds and joins with the Columbus News-Report’s own continuing
support of our troops.
Just click on my e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.