The most humorous newspaper column in the known world.
                                    Hogspore Community News
                                                       Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
                                                     Recipe for mashed ‘tater’ mountain

     Here's the Bad News, Good News, and Old News: The Bad news is that health insurance premiums are
going up in 2017. The Good News is that you can keep your own doctor. The Old News is that you
can’t keep your old president.

     Smartins Grocery Store is stocking up on my favorite potatoes for mashing. Russets for the starch and
Yukon Gold for the flavor. I ain’t that smart a feller to give you a recipe without starting some family
tradition fights. If there weren’t no leftovers last year, then you probably got yourself a good recipe.

     I do know something about how to eat mashed potatoes. I favor the way the youngins eat em.
Build yourself a mesa of smashed taters on your plate. You’re gonna use four to five serving spoons of em
to have enough mass to retain the heat, (More salt also keeps in the steam).

     Then, take a tablespoon and push down a crater in your mesa, pour hot gravy in the gorge, and you
got what every kid loves, a mashed potato gravy lake. Next, drop a big pad of real butter, (the USS
Cholesterol) in the middle of the reservoir and construct a levee of cloverleaf rolls around the lakeshore
to keep the hot gravy inside of Mount Tater.  

     I seen something that I didn’t understand at first. It took me a few minutes, then the lights come on. I
seen some turkeys and they was all taking turns on one of them electric exercise treadmills. They was
trying to lose weight so they wouldn’t be gracing a Thanksgiving tablecloth.

     I had to smile cause them birds don’t know what I know. Most of the folks around here love to sink
their choppers into a well-done, warm, moist, muscular Turkey drumstick.

     I said something to Punkin that made her think that I was getting old. She said, “You sound like an old

     I give her a disagreeing look and said, “I don’t have time to argue your point. I got to go finish my letter
to the Editor.”

     Mumford Pickens says, “If you have a tailor and that tailor drives a newer and more expensive vehicle
than you do, you don’t need a tailor.”

     This column donates its proceeds and joins with the Columbus News-Report’s own continuing support
of our troops.


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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.

Bob Simpson
Largo, Florida
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