The most humorous newspaper column in the known world.
Hogspore Community News
Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
Odd visitors show up late for Halloween
Words to live by: “Never try to multitask in the outhouse.”
Some kids in strange uniforms stopped by late Tuesday morning. A pointy-eared cadet aimed a ray gun
at me and shouted, “Trek or Trick.” All the others laughed for a few minutes over this.
I sez, “Kids, it’s Tuesday. Halloween was last night. What are you doing here?
Ray gun boy said, “We are not here to interfere, only to observe and gather candy to take back to the
I didn’t want trouble so I got the treat bowl from the living room. “Friends, take all the sweets you
want. All that I got left are Atomic Fireballs.”
That got em riled up and they all pulled out their own ray guns. A cute little feller named Zulu
commanded, “Gentlemen, set you Phasers to stunning … uh, I mean stun.”
I dropped the candy bowl and run inside to get my shotgun. In the meantime, my dog, Ol Slump,
grabbed one of em by the shirtsleeve but he couldn’t sink his teeth into the smooth tight material.
When I come back with my shotgun all them tiny trekkers just disappeared right in front of me.
The last thing the big ears chap said was, “Jim, beam us up.”
What I seen or didn’t see on the porch that morning makes me think that I shouldn’t drink moonshine
on Halloween night anymore. For some reason, I think I should switch to Jim Beam.
Larry’s Funeral Home is now offering services for the death of your favorite hunting dog. At the
gravesite, they even furnish paw bearers.
I had a dream that Ol Slump could talk. He related his last wishes to me. He wants to be cremated and
have his ashes sprinkled over a frisky French poodle.”
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