The most humorous newspaper column in the known world.
| Hogspore Community News
Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
Time for the Halloween shenanigans
It’s Halloween and I’ll be handing out candy all night. For the older candy donors, there’s some of
Mumford Pickens’ untaxed whiskey to help the night fly by.
Most everybody likes Halloween costumes cept for folks working in the bank lobby and late night
convenience stores. Every Halloween, the convenience store owner is sitting in the cooler with a shotgun
on his lap. Say howdy to him, if you happen to open one of the cooler doors.
Sheriff Combover has some advice, “If some older looking kids come up to your door wanting candy,
just give em what they want. Don’t be saying things like, ‘You kids are mighty old to be trick or treating.’
I don’t have time to come by your house tomorrow to fill out a police report on the vandalism. Just smile
and give em the candy.”
The sheriff had special words for me. “If you see a bunch of older teenagers working along the
roadside this week wearing orange jumpsuits, picking up trash and working off some community service
hours, don’t lean out of your truck window and yell, ‘I sure do like your costumes, you little punks.’
Clet, them kids all know where you live.”
Mumford Pickens told me that doctors and scientists are gonna perform a head transplant in the next
year or two. Some smart guy with a terminal illness will get a new body. They’ll find some poor fresh
corpse what had a head injury and plant the genius head on top of that body.
Morton Trubletoof heard about it and said, “I’m looking forward to the time when I can have a new
head for my body, so I can be smarter.”
Me and Punkin got a wedding anniversary on November 2. If you think Halloween is scary, miss your
wife’s wedding anniversary. You won’t be able to close your eyes for a month cause of the frying pan that
will be whooshing toward your head.
My dog got into an extended fight with a German Shepherd. Ol Slump got beat up, but he’ll live. My
neighbor what owned the German Shepherd come up to my house with his dog and a bill for fifty dollars
for stitches. I had to pay the Vet bill.
Ol Slump knew that he was in trouble cause he was slinking around and wouldn’t look me in the eye.
Well, it happened again and this time me and the neighbor were there to witness it. Turns out that our
dogs weren’t exactly fighting, it was really more of an Indian summer-spring-is-still-in-the-air sort of thing.
Ol Slump ain’t been around the house since the last “fight.” He knows that I’m thinking about
curtailing his future romancing ways. He can either enjoy a lotta cold swims in the pond or take a short
trip to Vet.
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