The most humorous newspaper column in the known world.
| Hogspore Community News
Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
Get baptized to attract prettier widow
Mumford Pickens attends church twice a year. He wanted me to use the word “attends” instead of
“goes” cause he thinks it might help him at the Pearly Gates. When he does attend church semiannually,
he always wears a suit and tie. Mumford’s momma used to add, “You can’t get into heaven wearing a clip-
Seems like with all this concern about making the right impression with the Big Guy, Mumford just
outta be baptized, marry a church lady widow, and enjoy life. The baptizing comes first, though … so he
can attract a prettier church lady.
Over and Out Day is this week, October 4, (Ten Four!). I apologize for using that joke every year.
I promised I wouldn’t tell it again, but when October 4 starts getting close, I can feel it rolling around in
my head. I have to spew out the old joke again.
I know I have a problem and I need help. I got into a sixteen-step program and was doing pretty good
until I realized I was in a dance class trying to learn the Macarena.
Folks have been asking about how my dog, Ol Slump, is doing. He still runs around like a puppy,
especially if he smells a bag of doughnuts in my truck. He helps around the farm and keeps the critters
away from the henhouse.
Just last week, he ran off a shady looking fox that was mingling with some of my chickens by their fence.
Turns out, my broiler chickens was trying to score some diet pills from that rascal fox.
The Muleberry County Fair started up last Friday. It ends this Saturday night with the Pie-Eating
Contest. The fair operators learned their mistake from last year when they scheduled the Pie-Eating
Contest before the Pie Baking Awards.
Half way through last year’s pie-eating contest, they come up short on pies and the still-hungry
competitors headed for the Cherry Pies judge’s tent. Their napkins was flapping around their necks when
they was running and they was carrying their upright forks with little torches on em. The torches were
just there to keep the fork hot and ready for when they broke through those innocent unbroken crispy
crusts of cherry pie teasing them.
All them cherry pies, lined up like bathing beauties in tin pans on the judging table, were gone once the
crowd got to them. One of the judges wearing a red suit and standing next to the pie table went missing.
Sheriff Combover has closed the missing person’s case as Presumed Consumed.
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