Country Humor
The most humorous newspaper column in the known world.
                                                    Hogspore Community News
                                                                      Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
                                                                 Man purges intelligence to thwart aliens

       I seen Old Man Grimely over at Smartins Grocery Store loading eight big sacks of flour. He was looking
like a high school athlete heaving those sacks into his truck bed.

       I sez, “Grimely, you’re looking mighty fit tossing those sacks around. You just keep getting better with
age. You’re like fine wine.”

       “Thank you, Clet, but I’m old enough now to start getting some leakage around my cork.”

        I took in the Equally Challenged Rodeo Saturday at the fairgrounds. They match the cowboy’s
disability to the event. In the bull-riding event this year, the bulls and riders all suffer from involuntary
streams of profanity.

       There are two things that won’t be included in next year’s rodeo. There won’t be live microphones on
the riders and bulls and the stuttering stadium announcer won’t be back.

       This news don’t seem particularly politically correct. You gotta remember, I only bring you the news
... I don’t make it up.

       Morton Trubletoof told me why he weren't real smart. “A few years ago, I was as smart as the next
feller and I had a good memory. I got to reading so many science fiction books that I started getting
scared about what would happen if space critters abducted me.

       I figured they would try to search my memory banks and get all my knowledge for their use in taking
over our world. There was only one thing to do. I purged all my memory and intelligence so I couldn’t be
used by the aliens.”

       I asked him, “How could you erase all your memory and intelligence but still remember that you had
them once?”

       Morton scratched his head and walked away.

       I thought I might have to start worrying about granddaughter Evangeline and boys. I don’t need to
start fretting just yet. She said, “All the boys in middle school are stupid.” She’s right. Boys keep being
stupid until they get to be around age 75.

       We had ourselves one of those interventions for a friend of mine. He’s been addicted to ice cream
for about ten years now. Ben and Jerry were there along with Elsie the cow and Scoopy the Clown,
(Mena, Arkansas’s TV celebrity and roving reporter).

       My friend agreed to accept help after we played a video of him lying face down in his driveway next to
an empty bucket of Goat Cheese Beet Swirl Ice Cream.

       We took him to a recovery center in a place called Lactose Intolerance, Kansas. Doctors say that there
is hope, but the path to full recovery is gonna be a Rocky Road.

       Update: The ice cream addict is now four weeks into recovery and seems to be in good humor.

       This column donates its proceeds and joins with the Columbus News-Report’s own continuing
support of our troops.


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Bob Simpson
Largo, Florida
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