Country Humor
The most humorous newspaper column in the known world.
                                         Hogspore Community News
                                                              By Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
                                                                 Man shares guide to writing jokes

Mumford Pickens has some ideas about being funny. Course, his jokes are usually puns and they ain't
funny to me. He says he has a guide on how to write a joke. Here it is:

“You make a reasonable statement about a subject, something what most folks would agree on.     Then,
you start asking yourself questions about the subject and give wrong answers to all of them questions.

Here’s an example: If you live in the Florida Keys, many of the folks that do service work, like retail sales
and restaurant work, are usually dirt poor. Here’s how the joke comes out of that.

You say to yourself, ‘No, I’m not dirt poor. Then, what am I? Well, there ain’t much dirt in the Keys.
It’s mostly marl, (crushed shells). So, actually, I am marl poor. If I am poor, then there might be a chance
that I’m malnourished. Hey, wait a minute. That sounds like marl-nourished.’

So, here’s the joke: ‘If you’re living off the land in the Keys, then you are probably marl-nourished.’
And that’s how it’s done, joke students.”

Barkley Spellbetter, Hogspore High School principal is leaving for a Caribbean vacation at an all-inclusive
resort. Barkley said, “Everything is included in the one price. All the food at the five different restaurants
is free. All the adult beverages are free. They even have free generic cigarettes sitting in a box right out on
the bars and by the pools.

Clet, I don’t drink or smoke, but down there I can enjoy the drinks and cigarettes cause they’re free.
It don’t count if they’re free.”

That’s the new math that I’ve been hearing about for thirty years. “Barkley, is your wife gonna let you
carry on like that?”

He said, “The better half isn’t going with me this time.” He usually says, “ain’t,” but he knows that this is
going in the newspaper so he don’t want to ruin his reputation as an educator and a learnt scholar.

“Clet, I can do whatever I want down there.”

I sez, “Good luck, Barkley. I’ve heard that there’s things down in the Caribbean that don’t stay there.
They travel with you, right through Customs. If you bring back one of them undesirable afflictions, then
you’ll be looking for an all-inclusive divorce lawyer. One price and that includes losing everything.”

Here’s a follow-up on Morton Trubletoof’s nephew. Norton graduated from high school with a diploma
but he still was having trouble with his college application. “Uncle Morton, The application says that if I
don’t have a diploma, then send a copy of my GED. What’s a GED?”

“A GED is what you get if you don’t finish high school, but return and complete it later.”

“Okay, so what does GED stand for?”

Morton answered, “A GED means GOOD ENOUGH, DUMMY.”

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Bob Simpson
Largo, Florida
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