Hogspore Community News
                               By Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
                            Medical Examiner’s Office safe from cuts

There’s a budget crisis in Mena, Arkansas. All city departments are going to
have to lay off some folks, cept the Medical Examiner’s Office.  

A reporter from the Mena Star asked the Mena Mayor, “Aren’t you gonna
have to make some cuts in the examiner’s office?”

The Mayor said, “The only cuts we’re gonna make in that department will be
on them pending autopsies with scalpels.  

In the city’s efforts to maintain the quality and standards of our autopsy
results, the Office of the Medical Examiner will not be reducing staff.
We are unwilling to start cutting coroners.”

Hogspore began Doughnut Week last Friday. Today is one of the celerbration
days in the week. We spend the entire day eating glazed doughnuts from
special backpacks we carry around full of the doughnuts that were made
yesterday. We call it “I Believe in Yeasterday.”

Donald’s Doughnuts was the official starting point for the Running of The
Crullers this morning. This is where I saw something that made me question
my marriage, but only for five or six minutes. I was ok after I had two

I saw my very own bride, Punkin, on the sidewalk holding a sign that said,
(excuse me while I compose myself somewhat), “We support BAD, Bagels
Against Donuts.”

Mumford Pickens filled me in on what BAD is. The Bagel Industry funds BAD
to besmirch the Doughnut. They even use the coarse shortened and debased
spelling of Donuts to smear the integrity of the American Doughnut
Conglomeration and its heritage.

We only got to go back a hundred years to remember the spirit of our
American Doughboys. They fought to keep us free to enjoy warm jelly filled
doughnuts on a Sunday morning before we set out to worship. We thank the
All Mighty for this country and the free unrestricted use and storage of Lard
in our own homes. When they finally pry that last jelly doughnut from my
cold dead sticky hands, I hope they get raspberry jelly all over their jackboots.

Like I said, I’m over it and now I sez, “Bring it on.”

I read where they got synthetic dogs invented so that veterinarian students
can practice on instead of hurting real dogs. I know that there’s never gonna
be a synthetic hog for butchers to practice on.

If an apprentice butcher makes a mistake, he just drops it into the sausage
bucket. I coulda said “he or she” instead of “he” for the butcher but then you
might think that I was hinting something about what bathroom the butcher
should use.

This column donates its proceeds and joins with the Columbus News-
Report’s own continuing support of our troops.


Out of the goodness of my heart and several major arteries, not to
mention the many capillaries that are employed in the peripheral
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Bob Simpson
Largo, Florida

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