By Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
                              Preacher tries to make his 100th point

Sunday, I was watching Preacher try to come up with one more point for the
message of the day. He usually quits when he gets to the 100th instance of
how the lesson applies to us in our everyday life. That’s when he hauls in his
net of new-found souls, turns em in at the Lord’s Marina, and we all get to go

Nothing works up my appetite for a Sunday home cooked dinner better than
the angry drone of Preacher on fire at 111100 AM. I know there ain’t no time
of 111100 AM but it feels like it.

Sometimes, if you walk up to the front carrying another twenty-dollar bill for
the plate, Preacher suddenly remembers the last example.   

Some Sundays, I will take one for the team. I’ll come forward to renew and
profess my faith. Preacher knows I don’t mean it but he appreciates my effort
cause it always shakes loose a few real believers who were too shy to be first
to step forward.

Preacher come up behind me after church and said, “Warm doughnuts on a
Tuesday morning sounds good, don’t it?” I didn’t recognize his voice. The
word “doughnuts” got in the way of my discerning cognizant abilities.

I’m really quite smart cept if I have doughnuts on my mind. Of course, I do
think of pastries a lot through my waking day and especially during my
sleeping night. Mumford Pickens once told me. “You’re not as smart as you
think you are.”

Doughnut daydreams kept me from responding properly to the voice behind
me and I fired back, “Warm doughnuts sound good on any morning, but
Tuesday sounds extra tasty.” You can see by my stupid response that I weren’t
fully functioning at my normal levels of intelligence.

Preacher says, “Well, then I’ll see you here on Tuesday at 9 AM for the Men’s
Bible Study Group. Oh, and Clet, since it’s your first time, bring enough
doughnuts for all twelve of us.”

By then, I weren’t in my doughnut reverie, but I went too far the other way
with my sarcastic answer, “Why don’t I just bring the coffee and napkins

“Thank you Clet, that would be a mighty fine blessing. Sure, get the coffee
too, but bring some decaf for old man Grimely. He favors the regular coffee
but none of us can stand him when he’s full of caffeine.”

It took me four trips from my truck to get all the goodies into The Fellowship
Cafe at the church. The Men’s Bible Study Group looked like half of em
wouldn’t be getting much older cause they’d been alive 2000 years ago
helping edit the original scrolls.

I was gonna tell you about how the meeting dragged on until 1:30 PM, but I
just can’t do it. During that long morning meeting, the Ozarks rose out of the
ocean and slowly eroded over the eons from the rain and wind, eventually
disappearing back into the sea again.   

Mother’s Day is coming on May 8. I hate that it comes early this year. There’s
not enough time to procrastinate the way I normally like to.  

This column donates its proceeds and joins with the Columbus News-
Report’s own continuing support of our troops.


Out of the goodness of my heart and several major arteries, not to
mention the many capillaries that are employed in the peripheral
regions, I am willing to add your e-mail address to my weekly column
e-mail. It's particularly enjoyed by agoraphobics, who still want a good
laugh once a week.

I won't sell or rent your e-mail address ...
because I don't know how to do that.

Just click on my e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column
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Bob Simpson
Largo, Florida

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