Hogspore Community News
                             By Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
                            Dastardly plan in store for groundhog

Tomorrow is Groundhog Day. I’ve been reporting on the Groundhog every
year and I am right sick of him. If he sees his shadow, he scurries back into
his home for six more weeks of winter. Noah shouldn’t have let any critter
onto the Ark that scurried or slithered. The Groundhog ain’t nothing but a
lazy, overgrown, agoraphobic rat.

If I see that varmint tomorrow morning, I’m gonna hit him with both barrels
of my shotgun. There won’t be enough of him left to cast a shadow, so we’ll
get that early spring.

I dropped my cell phone in water. Ok, it weren’t water, but it was after five
PM and I weren’t driving. I was enjoying my La-Z-Boy wondering why I was
watching the Dr. Phil Show when a new Jerry Springer was available. Ok,
maybe it was my third or fourth round of non-water.

I do have to say that it was more like my second or third course since my
adult beverage glass is the same as one of them 30-minute TV programs.
Take out all the commercials and the theme music and you only have about
20 minutes worth of real television.

My drinking glass is like that. The ice cubes and a generous amount allowed
for spillage makes it really only about 2/3’s libation.   

I just remembered that I was telling you about my wet cell phone. I heard
where you’re supposed to plunk the wet phone into a bag of uncooked rice.
It’s supposed to draw the water out and sometimes the phone starts to work

So, I sealed it up inside the bag of raw rice and went to bed ... cause I ran out
of non-water.

Next morning, the phone was working again. It’s been a week since it
happened and it’s operating like a surgeon with a big mortgage and a trophy
spouse. Cept now, I keep getting calls from someone named Uncle Ben.

I cooked the rice from my high-tech repair bag and it gave me a bellyache.
I kept having to go to the bathroom for number two and getting a wrong
number. Turns out, the manufacturer had some bad rice and there was a

Hardy Barkins was contemplating dying some day. “I done some bad things
in my life but I accomplished a lot of good too. I ain’t done anything that I
shoulda gone to jail for or at least, I was never caught. There’s a whole lot
of folks that have managed worse sins than I ever committed or even thought
about doing.

What I’m hoping for is that when I finally arrive at the Pearly Gates, I’ll find
out that they grade on the curve.”

This column donates its proceeds and joins with the Columbus News-
Report’s own continuing support of our troops.


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Bob Simpson
Largo, Florida
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