Hogspore Community News
                                                  By Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
                                             Running air conditioner brings winter spirit

     We’ve been running the air conditioner during the day to fetch some winter spirit.
The weather even affected the Giant Pumpkin Drop on New Year’s Eve at midnight.
The weather’s been so warm that all the orange burly boy squash had already turned
to mush.  

     Mayor Ringer is the hero. At midnight, he pushed 300 frozen Mrs. Smith’s Original Flaky
Crust Pumpkin Pies off the courthouse roof. There was cheering and kissing with folks stepping
and stomping, (Why does Stepping have two “P’s” and Stomping only gets one?), on the
smashed up cold pies on the courthouse steps.

     Hardy Barkins was there. Since he was by himself when the kissing started, he sauntered on
over to a yellow crossing sign and commenced to smooching with the silhouetted pedestrian.

     Hardy told me later, “The flat frightened footslogger slid off the sign. I seen it head
toward the hills. It was hobbling cause it didn’t have any ankles or feet. When the flat cross-
walking figure turned sideways, I couldn’t see it no more.” Did I forget to tell you that Mr.
Barkins had been sipping moonshine all day?

     After the celerbration was over at the courthouse, the good citizens of Hogspore picked up
four or five smushed-up pies to take home for immediate uncooked consumption and the
reinstituting of further reveling until the sun or the uncooked pies come up.  

     I, myself, favor a homemade pumpkin pie, but that Mrs. Smith is working with the devil
cause she makes a mighty tasty spicy crispy-crusted pumpkin pie.

     I heard a radio commercial for a Mena, Arkansas Hair Restoration Clinic. “No scalpels or
surgery. Have the procedure and the next day you will be back at work.”

     It sounds like a good deal for an unemployed bald feller with a family to feed.
Procedure today, job tomorrow.   

     Mumford Pickens sez, “A mule, a dog, a cat, a wolf, and a horse are all examples of single
syllable animals.

     This column donates its proceeds and joins with the Columbus News-Report’s own
continuing support of our troops.


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Bob Simpson
Largo, Florida
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