Hogspore Community News
By Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
Summer in Hogspore, kinda like winter in Bolivia, or spring in Paris … or trying to spring Paris
Hilton outer jail. That’s all the Hollywood you’ll get from me today.
Aunt Jimmie Lee is recuperating. She hired a Fancy Dan Little Rock plastic surgeon to scrub
her face and give her a chemical skin peel. I coulda done her up for free in the garage with my
new Black and Decker Block Sander.
Her face is real smooth now, but she did have a bad time in high school, what with all her
pimples and such. In her yearbook, she was named “Most Papular”.
Hardy Barkins over to the hardware store told me his latest troubles. He went to Doc Spicer
for a check up. He sez, “There I was sitting and waiting in a paper gown with everything sorta
just out in the open. I got an old needle from outer the red box on the wall and started cleaning
my fingernails. They was pretty grimy from changing out my truck oil. I musta dug right deep
cause all my nails started bleeding a tad and then they stopped.
Doc come in, seen what I done, and got real mad. Told me that was the same needle he
used to give Rabies vaccine to the recently raccoon-bit Wilkerson boy. Turns out, I vaccinated
myself against Rabies when I didn’t need it. I have to go back 14 times this summer for a series
of painful and dangerous dog bites.”
Last month, Nordmeyer Oscar robbed the First National Bank here or it might have
been the Third Fifth Bank, or it might have been half of the Second Federal Bank, I just don’t
recollect. He walked into the lobby, aimed a tight-stretched rubber band dead on at the teller’s
eyes, and demanded money.
Turns out that the rubber band he used in the crime was considered a weapon.
He’s in prison, doing a 10-year stretch.
I can send the column to you every week directly to your e-mail address.
I won't sell or rent your e-mail address ...
because I don't know how to do that.
Just click on my e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column
to be delivered to you each week. No one will ever know that you read
this kind of stuff.
The most humorous newspaper column in the known world.