|The Somewhat Funniest Newspaper Column
in Rural USA
By Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
Feeling like cave folks again
Hogspore had so many backyard cookouts on Labor Day that the hot air made it rain later on that
afternoon. It didn’t interfere with the festivities and the scent of those smoky showers felt like we was all
cave folks again.
Junior Bickum smoked a 500-pound wild boar all day long. He grilled it first. The grill marks plus the
long tusks made it look like we was all gonna enjoy some smoked Sabre-Toothed Tiger that night.
It was National Dog Day on Saturday. We Hogsporians have a willingness to celerbrate every day as
a new gift to enjoy. But mostly, it’s because we get to lift glasses of our favorite adult liquid to toast the
special days. Here’s to dogs.
I got a nice collar for my dog Ol Slump for Dog Day. It says that he has been chicken-free for two years.
He still goes to the CEA meetings, Chicken Eaters Anonymous, but he’s doing real well. Sometimes, he gets
a might jittery when a Tyson Chicken commercial comes on TV.
Yeah, I also got a present for Tugboat, Punkin’s Pomeranian, cause I love my wife and I didn’t
wanna hear about it, if I forgot her precious Pomeranian. I got her a big ol uncooked ham bone. I sure
hope she don’t choke on it.
Sheriff Riley Combover had to advise the citizens that Dog Day didn’t mean that it was okay to kick
a cat. National Kick A Cat Day is now gone after cats finally gained control of Facebook 14 months ago.
Remember that the Cat Day Parade is on October 29. There’s a 200-dollar prize this year for the best
float that looks and smells like a giant litter box. Warn your children that the kitty characters on the floats
are not throwing unwrapped Tootsie Rolls.
Granddaughter Evangeline told me bout a new dress code at her Middle School. I bet her mother
weren’t gonna be pleased that she had to buy more clothes. Right off, she could see that I was getting
angry, so she explained.
“The clothing rules aren’t for the students. They’re for our 4-H Club farm projects in the back pasture.
The school board decided that they didn’t want us budding impressionable children to see everything on
Mr. Pig or Miss Sheep. The kids don’t care. It just makes it harder to name the animals.”
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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.