|The Somewhat Funniest Newspaper Column
in Rural USA
The Hogspore News
By Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
Librarian causes avalanche in reference section
I got a public health announcement bulletin to share. It’s part of the newspaper’s obligation to pass on
something of health interest that you can take advantage of now, and then five years later, find out that
it weren’t good for you.
A new doctor in Mena, Arkansas can treat your symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
His name is Dr. Howyoufeelboutdat. His number is 123-456-7890. If the number zero bothers you,
then maybe you outta give him a call.
The new assistant head librarian, Heda Turner, has all the men in Hogspore checking out books
like they was all direct descendants of Benjamin Franklin. She’s young, right pretty, and easy to look at,
(so I hear). Folks say she wears her long auburn hair all bundled up tight. I woulda thought that with her
being a librarian, she’d wear it in a pageboy.
Jimmy Suspenders had a tale to tell me. “Clet, I just happened to be in the library trying to find
a book on how to hang drapes, so I could help Sara put up curtains.
I asked Heda for some help. I couldn’t believe it, but she started flirting with me. She removed her
glasses on a chain, undid her hair, and shook it loose and down, just like the movies. I thought I might be
about to break a marriage vow until she shook out her mane.
Dandruff come off her scalp in an avalanche. Right soon, the whole Reference section looked like
a Currier and Ives winter lithograph. I heard sleigh bells coming from the non-fiction area.”
Jimmy mighta had to look up what to call the picture cause I don’t think he knew what a lithograph
was. I didn’t know either til I visited the library this morning to ask the helpful Miss Turner what it was.
He went on with his story. “There was snow everywhere. I mighta made her mad when I suggested she
try a special shampoo called Head and Shoulders and Books and Shelves and Tables and Chairs and Floors.
I figure if things don’t work out for her at the library she can always produce snow scenes for
puppet shows, from scratch.”
Widow Fenster was telling me about all the research she has to do before she can write one of her
murder mysteries. She said, “Years ago, research for a book took such a long time to complete and I often
made errors. Nowadays, with the blazing internet speed, I can be wrong almost immediately.”
Morton Trubletoof was pondering over something in Tony’s Barbershop. He said, “Hogspore has two
agricultural clubs, the 4-H and the FFA. How come The Future Farmers of America ain’t called the
2-F and A?”
Mumford Pickens says, “Some folks need twenty minutes every day just for blithering out loud …
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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.